to build a ladder made of courage
What blooms out of darkness I 2023
There’s a place where god strips away all the comforts and the distractions, for you to feel the deep pain in your heart - the desire to create and the desire to heal. But it’s up to me, you see, to either stay in my pain and despair or to use this as a gift of creativity, fire, and desire to build a ladder made of courage and the willingness to take a risk to see what can be made out of this material that takes up residency in my heart.
Beauty does lie in the contrast…
So was I given the dark hues of blue and purple to then bring in golden yellows and whites?
Is this grief and heartbreak in my blood and bones here as material for an artist to play?
A voice where you can feel the pounding, vulnerable heart beat. Is god smiling right now at me?
Knowing they did not give me mediocre, but pigment from the richest soil, colors and notes from the deepest valleys, and the highest peaks?
Thread woven from broken hearts and thread woven from the clarity of knowing god?
To weave, to sing, to play, to paint?
Was it my soul's plan before I jumped into this dream of forgetting to experience all the pain and fear as a means to learn and experience the richness of a human life?
Not to have only the one color, the one flavor of delight and satisfaction. But the whole spectrum of bitterness to sweet. To not see it as “good” or “bad” but to recognize it by its depth and power. It seems I have been a child, only craving sweet food. But perhaps this is the recipe, the conundrum, the burden, and the gift of being me, being human. I have been listening and following the compass, and she keeps me creating. I fall ill, grumpy, and depressed if I don’t create.
I have walked too far, spoken prayers on mountain tops, and now I can’t go back. The way forward is alchemy. The way forward is all in, eyes wide open, heart wide open. So I walk through that threshold, the one that has been waiting a millennium for me. The one that asks me to walk through my fear, meeting all my demons - and not letting them take me to square one again. A place of forgetting. But it seems it is no grandiose gesture to walk through that threshold and that it’s one breath at a time, one step at a time - always with an ear to my heart, my compass, my teacher, and my healer. It’s a game of stamina of remembering, a muscle I am building that takes my full awareness.
It’s been under my nose this whole time. It takes love, the thing that rings ultimate, the thing that rings with truth, the sound that fills the universe. It’s been here the whole time. I have been swimming in it, breathing it, this whole time. So I allow myself to slow down, take the programming off.
I listen, I listen, I listen.
I love, I love, I love.
And I allow my loving thoughts to walk me down the path of my life. Like a wise loving elder holding my hand, listening and encouraging as I take one step infornt of the other, as I take one breath at a time. I surrender my fear and zoom way out to the big picture, the eagle’s eye view of all this. And from here I can’t help but smile and even laugh a little. Laugh not because it is funny, but because it is all so precious.
